Lady Gaga Versus Garanimals
By Vicky DeCoster
I always knew there was something missing from my wardrobe. After scouring the clothing racks at retail stores and the freezers at the grocery store this week, unfortunately I can’t find the latest trend in dresses anywhere.
Lady Gaga has always been known for her zany, wild style. When she sauntered on stage at the VMA awards this week in a dress created from flank steak, I wondered why any woman would voluntarily wear additional fat and meat around her body. Despite my initial misgivings about this newest style, I tried to picture myself in my own version of a meat dress strolling down the streets in my Midwestern town.
In the vision of loveliness my overly active imagination quickly produced, I wore a bra created from t-bone steaks, a filet mignon thong, and brisket boots as my purse made of beef tenderloin swung at my side. After I managed to escape from a pack of wild dogs that chased me for blocks, I made my way to a table at a local restaurant where I quickly pulled a steak knife from my purse, sliced a piece of meat off my dress, handed it to the waiter, and said, “Please have the chef cook this medium rare with horseradish on the side.” Seriously, think of all the money I’d save if I just started wearing my meat instead of ordering it in a restaurant.
Just when we think we have all the fashion trends figured out, someone like Lady Gaga shows up and defies everything we’ve ever learned. But apparently creating clothes from food is nothing new in the world of fashion. Out-of-the-box thinkers have already developed a bra from bacon, slippers from bread, a prom dress from milk, a hat from ham, a sneaker from burger, a holiday dress with chocolates, a bikini made from lettuce, and clothing and accessories from gelatin. Personally, I don’t care what I’m wearing food-wise. I just like the idea of being able to snack on my clothes if I get hungry.
Ordinary women have always watched the fashion runways and red carpets with a wary eye. Most of us know we’d never be caught dead in half of what the models and movie stars wear every fall and spring. Oh, we all admire the trends and then murmur, “Interesting,” as we walk past the store mannequins straight to the rack filled with outfits we know we can wear openly without having to endure whispered comments from strangers like, “What the heck is she wearing?” and “Good Lord, doesn’t she know lettuce starts to wilt after two hours outside a refrigerator?”
After mulling all my options this week, I’ve decided that until someone finds a way for me to wear mashed potatoes and still look good, I think for now I’m going to buck the trend and stick with what I know—Garanimals.
Award-winning humor writer Vicky DeCoster is the author of Husbands, Hot Flashes, and All That Hullabaloo! and The Wacky World of Womanhood. Vicky’s been published in over 60 magazines, books, and on several web sites. She lives in Nebraska with her husband and two children where she is working on her third book of humorous essays. Visit her at http://www.wackywomanhood.com/